Monday, July 16, 2018

One Year - In the Valley

In January of 2011, I went to a winter retreat with the campus ministry that I was involved in. I don’t remember most of what happened at that retreat. I can’t tell you the theme. I don’t remember the speaker’s name. I have no idea what he even spoke about. What I do remember is a verse we memorized together.

“The Lord our God is a sun and shield. The Lord gives grace and mercy. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Psalm 84:11

I memorized this verse with the hundreds of other college students. I don’t remember why we memorized it, or how many times we must have repeated it together, but it stayed with me.

It’s a nice verse. We like to think of our God as a sun and a shield. A sun is powerful. Life-giving. A shield protects us. We like that God gives grace and mercy. We are in desperate need of both.  I think we really like the last part. NO good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. So, if I walk with the Lord, He will not withhold anything good from me? Sounds great!

But, then, a year ago today, our son was born prematurely at seven months.  Seven hours later, he was with the Lord.

That day our hospital room was full of visitors. The hospital must have waived the two visitors at a time rule, because at one point I’m sure there were at least twenty. We were surrounded by people that wanted to help in whatever way they could.

A family from church offered us a spot in their family burial plot, and the next afternoon I was being carried across the cemetery in a borrowed wheelchair to my son’s burial.

The next morning I woke up with this verse on my mind.

“The Lord our God is a sun and shield. The Lord gives grace and mercy. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Psalm 84:11

Suddenly it didn’t seem like such a nice verse anymore. At least, not the last part. Over and over I repeated the second sentence in my heart.

NO good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.

I wrestled with the Lord. So was my son not considered a good thing, or was I not walking uprightly? Why did it feel like God was withholding a very good thing, when I was walking with the Lord in the best way I knew how?

Over the last year, I have continued to wrestle with this question.  I have come to believe that my son was absolutely a good gift from the Lord. I also don’t believe that God was in some way punishing me for not walking uprightly. (Although I often do not walk uprightly.)

Instead, I believe that God in his grace and mercy has given us other good gifts through the loss of our son.

He has allowed us to know Him more in our suffering. He has been near, and comforted us as we grieve. And in that, He has shown just how merciful He was in sending His son to die for our sins, so that we might live forever with Him.

A few weeks ago I saw a post from a grieving father that said, “Where was God when my son died? The same place He was when His son died. On His throne.”  He is still good, and He is still in control.

So today we celebrate the life of our son, and we also grieve the brokenness of this world. We put our hope in the God that knows our suffering and promises to be a sun and shield. To bring grace and glory. And to withhold NO good things, even the good things that are painful.

My prayer  today is that we would rejoice in the good God who has not withheld the BEST thing, His son. May this song continue to be our prayer.


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